My greatest fear after having moved to the US came true - June 4th.
They had been hiding things from me. Lying about lives back home. There had been two deaths in the family in the last six months that i was kept away from!
Granted they feared i will not be able to handle it well but its lies still. All these months i was living fine believing its all good back home. Yes they were both terminally ill and their conditions had only deteriorated but all i wanted was to be aware of their state.
Some part of me feels cheated but perhaps it was in my interest. Best?? I doubt though! The realization that i will never see them again... ever again, is way too disheartening at this point. I was close to both those uncles who passed away. It has taken me an entire month to come to terms with the fact that they are no more. I kept texting my cousins inquiring about their respective fathers' healths all these months and its commendable how they kept that lie alive... in other words - their fathers alive. Must have been difficult living a lie like that.
That brings me to this feeling of remorse .... Being so far away from 'em all, is it worth it? Only time will tell. However, what i regret most is not being among my people at such an hour. It must have been hard. I can only imagine.
Another observation has kicked in... I am witnessing pillars of our family collapse one after another. There have been untimely deaths in last few years. None of us had ever imagined it would all end so soon. Its almost unbelievable. Rather uncanny. The family dynamics are changing. Every other day someone tells me of a cousin... "branching out" .... Pains me... but i guess c'est la vie.
All those childhood memories that are still so vivid, refuse to accept, forget acknowledge, that its happening. Those festivals have low attendance now. Had read "a family that prays together, stays together" ... we used to... not anymore.. Those Diwalis, Holis, Govardhans, Bhai Doojh, Rakhshabandhans, summer vacations, weddings, parties etc will never be the same again. They already feel different and i shudder at the very thought of what the coming ones will be like? My heart sinks everytime i think about it.
My family is my pride. Its an honor to be born into a lineage like that. And to see it crumble this way, is a nightmare.
The optimist in me keeps hoping we'll all get back to being a "kutumb" again.
Woh naani ki baaton mein pariyon ka dera,
Woh chehri ki jhuriyon mein saddiyon ka phera,
Bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi,
Woh choti si raatien, Woh lambi kahaani ....!
